Sunday, January 29, 2012

The One Thing I Know

Dear Little One,

There are very many things that I am looking forward to teaching you. There will be lots of new lessons for new stages. Pretty soon I'll have to teach you how to nurse and how to sleep when it's dark out. Eventually you'll learn things like how to sit up (and how to sit still) and how to talk and laugh and play. You'll learn a lot and your daddy and I will learn a lot too.

But as I have been thinking about all the things that I want to teach you, not only with my words, but with my attitudes and my life, I keep coming back to the one thing I know that has made all the difference in my life.

I want you to know, most of all, that God is very good. There is nothing else in this life that I am as certain of as this.

As I wrote about last time, many things in this life can be hard or painful or uncertain. People we love suffer, we suffer, we can become quite ill, our relationships can develop tensions, the things that we own can be stolen, the things that we want most sometimes cannot be achieved and all these things can bring hurt.

But, when you know most of all that God is very good, all of these hard and hurtful things teach us that life is ultimately not just about you or me, but is about you and me living closely in relationship with a God who is very good. When we hurt, we can grow very angry because life is not fair, or we can grow very peaceful because we have learned to surrender our rights to leave more room for God in our hearts.

God is very kind, comforting and very merciful. I could not promise you that He is safe. But everything hard and wrong and crazy about this world and the way that we have made it, God knows how to redeem. He knows how to use what is most difficult about life to form us and to make us truly and abundantly joyful as we learn to love others more than ourselves.

Over and again, you will see that God is a God who will make true the desires of your heart and make your heart sing for joy. But never think that God's goodness will make your life safe. Just know that when you are most scared or fearful or in doubt, you have the greatest learning opportunity for discovering God's goodness.

As your mom, I already know how much I don't want to see you hurt and I already know that when you are in pain, I will be in pain with you. It's just how a mommy's heart works.

I think it's how God's heart works too. When you are in pain, think about how God Himself walked this earth and finally ended in the Garden of Gethsemane all alone in great grief and sorrow. He knows how you feel when you hurt, because he moved into our world and felt our hurts with us. And even though the greatest act of cruelty was committed against Him, he still showed us that He was very good and very powerful and he forgave those who hurt Him and overcame even death itself.

I can't promise that hurt will never come to your life, but I can promise you that God is very good. And I hope I can help you learn to bank your whole life on that promise.

I love you,

Mommy

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Seasons of Expectancy: Nesting

While the first trimester of pregnancy seemed characterized by the slow process of accepting weakness and inability to do much except go to work and come home and rest, the end of my second trimester has come with a great boost of energy and a dose of "home-ing" instinct. So I have tried to take advantage of this season, realizing that before too long my pregnancy waddle will become prohibitive of too many home improvement projects!

Several second trimester changes have occurred to the kitchen...a wipeable kitchen sink mat (hopefully will help with all those future spills), white slat blinds in both kitchen windows to match the cupboards, and of course a picture of the Ayrshire cows from back home (so that Eliana can experience a piece of Bentley Farm) and extra silicone sealant (hard to see!) on the edge of the counter to ensure full weathering of spills.

The dining room is gaining some privacy (matching pecan slat blinds) and some vibrancy (thanks to the great table cloth Mom found for my Christmas stocking). Not seen in the picture is a Dutch bulletin board (recently installed) that hosts all of the fun Christmas pictures of family and friends that we received over the holidays.

The living room also gained a double curtain rod with an outer layer of privacy curtains and tie-backs. Adam is pretty happy about the fact that I was able to install some wall doorstops to prevent against any damage done to the walls by little hands that like to swing doors!

Some pretty simple updates to our bedroom were made too! A little lace around the windows was added and a little extra window sealant was applied as some of our windows were showing small signs of settling. On the right wall (not seen), a big picture of the alfalfa fields from Bentley Farm (taken the day of our wedding) was added.

And, alas, my mothering instincts have started to make a little nest for our baby. It is simple and no competition for the nurseries in the baby magazines that I read, but it is quite a bit more "us" and practical too because the crib is portable (on wheels) and will allow us to still have a guest bedroom as needed. I especially love all of the recycled/reused/gifted items that we have been blessed with: my parents bought us the same crib that they used for all eight of us made by the excellent craftsmen at the Bruderhof; the quilt on the wall was made for me as a baby and the blanket on the crib was from my infancy; one of the blankets in the crib was made for Adam when he was a baby by his grandmother; the glider was passed on from a friend; and my mom helped me pick-up the dresser from Craig's List for $30 when she visited in October (which will double as holding ground for a contoured changing table).

Monday, January 23, 2012

Best Friend (Eighteen Month Anniversary)

A best friend doesn't come as quickly as a favorite sunset. A best friend doesn't declare their arrival like an exciting package found on the doorstep.

A best friend is discovered with time, like a patch of wildflowers that starts as a field of grassy stems and gradually, slowly, unfolds to to reveal color, depth and breath-taking beauty.

And so, I look back, having just celebrated our eighteen-month anniversary, and find myself awestruck at the beauty of life that has grown up around me. Eighteen months ago seems like awkward grassy stems; today seems like wonderfully rich and overwhelming goodness.

How could it be any better?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Little Accomplishments That Make Me Happy

I think it's the first time in our married life that our medicine cabinet is finally organized!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Favorite Things

40. Unpredictable Kansas weather, which recently went from warm to bitter cold and drove me to the comfort of cozy chairs, big blankets and hot mint tea.
39. Down comforters.
38. A beautiful warm January day and a walk along the Arkansas River with my mother-in-law.
37. Trendy coffee houses.
36. The feeling of accomplishment after a long to-do-list is finally completed.
35. Cream of Wheat with brown sugar.
34. My husband arranging for the trunk latch on my car to be fixed after years of not working.
33. New blinds for the kitchen windows that give the room a lift.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Safe Home

As I contemplate the meaning of home, these are some words that have been on my mind:

The only home which is safe for anyone to be born into is the home that is ready to welcome someone who does not belong there by right of kinship, but belongs there in virtue of hospitality.
-James T. Burtchaell

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

There was a time in my life where I thought I had the whole "becoming-a-mom" thing perfectly figured out. It was sometime between age thirteen and fourteen when my littlest sibling had just been born.

I had mastered the art of getting pins, tri-folds and rubber pants to stay on a baby's bottom, I could walk the dog and still keep a baby contented on my back, I could grocery shop with the baby on the cart (yes, that's true!), I could do the laundry, rock the baby to bed while I read, make dinner for ten and even cure jaundice with sunbaths. This was my life and I loved it and I felt so ready to really be a mom.

Fifteen years later, 1400 miles away from the place of my childhood, I sit down and I feel our little one somersaulting on the inside, and laugh that there was ever a point in my life where I felt like I had figured out how to parent a child. More than any other change that life has brought my way - learning to drive, flying across the country to attend college, getting my first apartment, teaching in my own classroom, getting married, moving to Kansas - anticipating motherhood is by far the most intimidating responsibility and change.

There are so many pieces of intimidation.

One of them is realizing that my example of lived life, far and above any words I will ever say to this little child, will influence her the most. Already this prompts me to look at my ingratitude, my selfishness and my desire for comfort in a different light. Motherhood is forcing me, in a different way than ever before, to recognize that the world does not revolve around me. That's intimidating.

Additionally, I am already overwhelmed by my mother-bear tendency to want to protect, to shelter and to isolate my child from being hurt. But I am challenged, even now, to work and to labor in my mothering, not for isolation from the world, but for missional engagement with it.

So I think, as much as I realize my need to surrender to the call of self-sacrifice of motherhood, I don't want to turn that inward to only create an isolated cozy and happy world for my baby and me, but somehow to also turn that outward and embrace my neighbors and my city and all the brokenness and hurt that comes along with it.

I want to live and work in such a way that my children can see that the good news of the Kingdom of God isn't just for those who are well, but it is powerful healing and blessing for those who really hurt.

And somehow this part seems way harder than changing diapers and curing jaundice.

God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. - Psalm 68:6


Monday, January 2, 2012

Favorite Things

32. A brother-in-law who is really handy and helpful.
31. Remembering that life is not a sum total of my possessions ( a remembrance that comes after some of your possessions are stolen.)
30. An awesome book my mom found for me for Christmas, Loving the Little Years.
29. Celebrating the new year with lots of junior highers at Friends Student Conference.
28. Opening Christmas presents for Eliana.
27. Feeling (on the outside) Eliana kick for the first time on Christmas Day.
26. A name for our daughter, Eliana Beth.
25. Sheep grazing in the sunset.
24. Bentley Farm, every part of it, but especially the high hill overlooking the Catskills.
23. Walking through New York City and taking in all the Christmas storefronts, lights and ice-skating.
22. Resting with family, and enjoying Christmas past-times, puzzles, carols, family games, food, laughter, excitement and good-will.